i look at the test not believing what it says. 'IM PREGNANT!!!!' i scream in my mind i cant do this peeta is dead i cant be having childeren after hes gone i already have two now i have another one. i feel tears fill my eyes again i can barely mother the two childeren i already have how can i mother another one. a child that will never met its father a child that peeta will never know or get the chance to love. tears fall down my cheeks i cant do it ive broken one can only be strong for so long one will eventually fall to peices and that time for me happened to be right now and i cant be there for my kids right now when they need me most if i cant even be there for myself. i look down at the stick again 'what am i gonna do?' is the only question in my mind. i place my hands on my abdomon peeta would be so happy to hear im pregnant again but hes not here to even know im pregnant again. our third child! i almost cant believe it maybe this was the thing i needed to maybe start becoming independant from peeta. then i hear the footsteps of my son running down the stairs. i walk out of the bathroom just in time to have him latch onto my legs.
"im sorry mommy" i hear him mumbling into my legs i crouch down and give him a big hug.
"its ok jayden" i whisper in his ear "you were upset and angry about daddy im not mad" i can feel him tighten his grip on me
"but mommy i said bad things that i shouldnt have said" he cries into my shoulder and i just hold him tightly and hum in his ear until he calms down.
"all better?" i ask a while later pulling him slightly away from me and i see him wipe away his tears and nod.
"im gonna miss daddy" he says softly i kiss him on the head
"me too" i reply softly "im gonna miss daddy too" i hold him tightly while he cries and after he has cryed himself out i pull him off me and look at him.
"is your sister up yet?" i ask and before he can answer i hear her running down the stairs and she almost tackles me.
"is everything ok with u and jayden mommy?" she askes and i nod smiling a little
"yes everything is all better" i tell her and look at them they still seem sad and i crouch down in front of them "hey i have an idea why dont u guys come down to the bakery with me today?" i ask them i see a smile appear on both there faces and they nod happily. they rarely get to go and when they do its a treat for them and after what they just found out i think they need it. i smile and stand up
"alright then i will start on breakfast u guys get dressed and after breaskfast we will go ok?" i tell them and before i finish my scentance they are already running up the stairs. i smile and walk to the kitchen 'at least i have done something right' i think i start making some breakfast of bacon and eggs. when lily and jayden come down the stairs lily is wearing one of her soft orange sun dresses that brings out her dark brown hair ,similar to mine, she got when she was in district 2 with peeta. i smile and walk over to her.
"you look beautiful sweetie" i tell her kissing the top of her head and i turn to jayden whos wearing a camoflauge T-shirt and regular blue jeans. i smile and pick him up.
"look at my handsome boy here" i say tickling him and his laughter echos through the house. i smile and put him down.
"come on lets eat and get going" i tell them putting some food on three plates and setting one in front of lily and one in front of jayden. i sit down beside jayden and eat my breakfast. after we all finished we got our shoes on and i grab each on my kids hands and together we set off towards the bakery.

 i turn around to look at my daughter.
"lily im sorry i didnt tell u" i say softly "come here" i tell her opening my arms for her. shes crying harder now and almost jumps into my arms.
"daddy's dead...." i hear her repeat maybe its to let it sink in her dads dead and shes never gonna see him again or its just to let herself know i lied to her about her dad being dead. i hold her tight and whisper in her ear softly.
"im sorry" i manage to say "im sorry i lied lily i just didnt know how to tell u and ur brother daddy's dead" i tell her tears falling down my face "i should have told u guys earlier im sorry" i mumble in her ear and all i hear in response is the sound of her crying and already tears are falling down my face. then i hear the soft footsteps of my son as he gets out of bed and slowly makes his way downstairs.
"mommy" he calls when he sees us crying "whats wrong with u and lily?" he askes sitting on my lap "why are you guys crying?" he look at me with the same grey eyes that are mine and i sigh
"jayden" i say softly "im sorry i didn tell you this eariler but....." i close my eyes trying to figure out the right words to say "daddy's not coming back because daddy's dead" i immediatly see tears fill his eyes and my heart breaks "im sorry jayden im sorry lily i just didnt know how to tell you guys" i whisper holding them closer but i feel jayden push me away.
"no!!!! mommy you could have told us sooner!!!!! i hate you mommy!!!!!!" he screams and runs upstairs crying i look down at lily and shes holding me tightly.
"mommy its ok i love you hes mad he loved daddy he was really close with daddy he was gonna get daddy to teach him how to bake its not ur fault" i hear her telling me quietly but shes hurting too everytime she said 'daddy' she stuttered and almost burst into tears again. she loved him too she loved him more then she would want anyone to think but i knew everytime he came home the look on her face was unmistakable she was happy to have her daddy home to play with. i sigh looking at her one conversation and i have broken both there hearts and who knows if i can do anything to heal them when i still have my own heart to mend. so all i do is hold her tight and hum there lullaby, the valley song, in her ear.

the next morning i wake up and head to the bathroom the dropets of blood i should normally see on my underwear isnt there. i bite my lip no this isnt happening i run the the store and quickly run back i take the test and in a few minutes i have my answer.
im pregnant.........

AUTHORS NOTE: i gave u two chapters this week ur welcome! keep commenting and the more comments i get from diferent people will determine how long my chapters r and how they end!

The funeral finally ended with minimal tears from me. I hate having my kids worry about me if im gonna be ok or if i am ok. Because of course the answer is always gonna be 'im fine' or 'im ok'. the only person i ever told my feelings too was peeta and now that hes gone i cant tell anyone so i am keeping them bottled up inside. i walk my kids home and i tuck them into bed i then crawl into my bed which is cold and lonely since peeta left and died. i fall asleep and have the same nightmares i do every night since peeta died. when i wake up if i get any sleep at all i will usually go downstairs and if the kids are still sleeping go for a short walk outside or if they are up then i will start getting breakfast ready for them and then take lily and jayden to school. Most days when peeta was still alive i would take of into the forest or sometimes spend the day with him at the bakery now i spend most days at the bakery after peeta died i had to take over as manager for it. I miss my days in the forest, but I guess its for the better. With Peeta gone I've had to do so much more around the house, and the bakery. Lily and Jayden keep asking when their father is coming back, every time I say 'not for a long time' because what else do u say to a 4 and 6 year old u cant say hes never coming back that will only out questions in there mind like 'why' and 'does he want to come home' and i just dont have answers for those questions. early the next morning im sitting at the table i have already come back from my walk and its to early to start breakfast then i hear a knock on my door. i stand up and slowly make my way to the door i open it and theres my mentor haymitch standing there.
"haymitch!?" i almost yell he quickly cover my mouth
"would u shut up already!" he hisses at me "i need to talk to u and i dont think u have told the kids yet so unless u suddenly feel ready to tell them be quiet" he says and i nod moving his hand from my mouth
"what do we need to talk about haymitch" i ask letting him in and sitting on the couch he sighs and looks at me
"sweetheart we need to talk about u ur not urself anymore ur lost without peeta and telling the kids hes coming back ur basically telling urself hes still alive" he sighs i shake my head
"haymitch im fine ill be ok eventually its only been a couple of weeks haymitch give me some time to realize hes not coming back" i say softly he looks toward me
"katniss stop telling urself hes alive when u know hes dead once u believe peetas dead the better off ull be!" he tells me standing up and walking out and thats when i hear the word i didnt want to hear after this
"mommy....? is daddy really dead" lily askes me tears already falling down her cheeks

AUTHORS NOTE: thanks for reading check back next week for chapter 3!!!!!!!

Disclaimer:i do not own any of the hunger games

'always' i think he promised he would always be here he would never leave but he did the hovercraft crash that toke his life fell out of the sky without warning and they never found his body. So here I am at Peeta's memorial service and funeral trying to figure out how im gonna last the rest of my life without him. How im gonna let my kids know they wont see their father ever again. Hazelle, Haymitch, Gale and everyone else they keep telling me everything is gonna be ok but how is everything gonna be ok when i lost the man i love and my kids lost their dad. how is that ok? Then my daughter lily came up to me intrupting my thoughts.
"mommy" she said pulling on my pant leg holding Jayden's hand "we want to know where daddy went and when hes coming back" she looked up at me with those bright blue eyes that were Peeta's. I sigh and kneel beside them and hold them close trying to think of what im gonna to tell them i finally let them go and look at them.
"lily, Jayden I dont know when daddy will be back" I tell them but they look at me not believing me
"mommy daddy said he would be back soon he even told me when he would be back" lily said looking straight at me "he said he would be back seven sleeps ago" she said sadly "does daddy not love us anymore is that why he left and hes not coming back" she looks at me sadness i thought i would never see in those eyes and i quickly pull them into a hug.
"no dont think that daddy loved you both very much and he just got into some trouble and wont be home for a very long time" i tell them quickly and they both nod their heads and follow me to our seats. The service starts and i fight back the tears as long as i can and when i cant stand it any longer i rush out of the service leaving my kids at their seats, confused on why i ran out on them they both run after me.
"mommy!" they cry and run up to me "whats wrong mommy why did you run away" they ask worried about me and unable to hold my tears back any longer i start to cry. I look at them their faces confused and concerened about why im suddenly crying but how can i tell them that their dad is dead. I cant tell them that not after I have given them hope hes still alive and might come back.
"nothings wrong" i say wiping away my tears "i just miss daddy like you guys do im ok"  they both look at me not believing me.
"mommy is everything really ok?" Jayden asks me i nod slowly
"yes everything is fine Jayden do you guys want to go back inside or go back home?" i ask them trying to get off the subject of me being fine or not because i hate lying to my kids and i already told them peeta is coming back. Which is a big lie but how can you tell a 4 and a 6 year old there dad is dead? you just cant do it its hard to do it and i cant do it to them i just cant see how sad they will look when they find out their dads not coming back. then im brought back to reality lily is tugging at my arm.
"mommy?" she said a little worried "what were u doing u werent answering me or Jayden for a long time" she look at me confused i nod my head.
"im fine sorry i was thinking so what did u guys want to do?" i ask them again
"we want to go back inside!" Jayden said jumping up and down i sigh and nod my head.
"ok come on then" i say taking both their hands and walking back into the funeral home

We sit around the fire I am wearing a soft orange dress I wore in district 11 and Peeta is wearing a nice dress shirt and pants. I stick my bread into the fire first and toast it.
"Peeta I love you and I may have not realized that the moment I saw you but I do now and I will never forget it" I say taking out my peice of bread. I was smiling brightly being only 18 and marrying the man I loved was a dream come true. He sticks his peice into the fire and smiles brightly a smile i have never seen till now.
"Katniss I love u too I have since I first laid eyes on you and I swear I will die before I stop loving you" He says smiling and pulls me close to him. He takes his peice out of the fire and holds it up to my mouth. I hold my peice up to his mouth and take a bite of it. It tastes like burnt peices of bread mixed with perfectly toasted peices thats why we hold the toasting in district 12 the burnt peices represent the bad times in a marriage and the perfectly toasted parts the good times. Peeta smiles at me and grabs my hand he pulls me out into the middle of the living room and holds me close and we start dancing. Everyone in the room smiling at us. we decided to keep the wedding small only my mom, haymitch, gale, hazelle and delly were there. After the wedding me and peeta walk upstairs after saying goodbye to everyone we crawl into bed and later I whisper in his ear
"stay with me" 
"always" he replies smiling down and kissing me

AUTHORS NOTE: sorry its short this is my first fan fic im hoping to make it better and longer as i go so if u have any ideas or anything u think could help me write this fan fic better plz tell me in the comments thanks and i will try to update every wednesday. btw my grammer is horrible and my spelling im ok so plz dont put rude comments about my spelling/grammer plz thanks!